Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in ssplits' LiveJournal:

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Saturday, September 10th, 2005
1:52 pm	not to do with arran I am on the Olympic rowing team, I am the person with the megaphone telling the team to get a move on and keep up the pace. I am barking orders and shouting and creaming until my eyes go crossed. The team starts shouting back at me saying that they are doing the best that I can and stop yelling at me, they start fighting and rocking the boat until it tips over and we are all capsized. A shark comes along and eats all of our heads. Then we (our heads) are all in the sharks belly and we are still arguing and saying "see what you did?! You got us eating by a bloody shark!" Current Mood: dirty Current Music: Cuts like a knife... (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
10:36 am	You've got Mail! We are at this party and Arran has become enamored with a girl and tells her he has a crush on her. I think he admires her because she is an artist and a contortionist. She has a lover at the part and they have a really bright idea. They see two boxes, one large and one small. They want to climb inside the boxes and ship each other to different places around the world and then find each other. The boy takes the big box and fills it with water bottles, snacks, play station games a portable DVD player, a pocket knife and a jar for when nature calls. The girl takes the small box and gets into it by taking a very uncomfortable yoga position, like ‘screaming pigeon’ where your head is bent backwards over your back leg so your head touches the bottom of your foot and you can kiss your own bum…like this.   She doesn’t have any of that other stuff, a tube that pumps water into her mouth every twenty seconds. They don’t know where they are going, but we post mark his box for the Caribbean and her box for Siberia. They say that if they are meant to be together that they will find each other. So they are shipped in the mail and they are placed on a boat. So far they are close enough together to talk, but then a bunch of other boxes are placed over top of them and between them so they can’t move or hear or talk. The boat people who are supposed to be delivering the mail decide that mail gets lost all the time, and why should they have to go to Siberia if they don’t want to. So they dump all the mail over the side of the boat in the middle of the ocean and take off. Now our lovers are in a real predicament. The boy lover cuts his way out of his box using his little pocket knife and swims over to the little box where his little love is. Sadly all of his gaming stuff is eaten by a shark. When he reaches the little box he calls out to her and nothing happens. He cuts the box open and finds that the artist-contortionist is dead. A heavy box was placed on top of hers when on the boat and crushed the water pipe down her throat.  Silly little pretzel. Current Mood: satisfied (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 15th, 2005
10:59 am	I am in the most beautiful bathroom that I have ever seen. Ten person bathtub, marble tiles, massive windows and a bed in the middle of the room. I am lying on the bed trying desperately to have an orgasm when my parents walk into the room and sit down next to me. “Gosh, she is awfully tight, isn’t she?”  I don’t know why I keep on going, but now I am even more determined. Suddenly it is all over with no happy ending. Current Mood: frustrated (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 13th, 2005
10:14 am	Toilet Lady, Toilet Watchers, Little Priest and the Magic Torch I was at work and needed to go to the bathroom. There was a new bathroom cleaning girl there who loved to talk talk talk talk talk. She followed me into the cubicle to wash the floor and talk to me. Then she crawled underneath to the next stall to wash the floor and then she climbed up onto the toilet and looked over the wall and still was talking to me. I was toilet shy so I couldn’t go pee. There was a cue developing outside the stall and people were waiting. The bathroom lady let them into my stall so they could wait while looking at me trying to pee. My boss and a little boy were watching me. My boss got fed up and the little boy waited. I told him to scram and get lost but he didn’t budge. The I dunked his head between my legs into the toilet water and told him to beat it. Then he went crying out of the ladies toilets. What the fuck was he doing in the ladies toilets anyway? So I gave up and went back to my office. There was a little priest there who needed somewhere to stay, so I said he could go back to my place and stay as long as he liked. He gave me a little torch with a blue light to communicate with him by. It’s easy he said, just press the button and talk into the flame. Great I said. So he went back to mine.  A little while later I heard a voice coming from the torch. It was the little priest begging for some food. He was saying, I am not a Buddhist monk here, I am a Catholic priest. I am used to a certain level of service. I need some food! Oh, I said. Help yourself to whatever is in the fridge. He was so Christian he didn’t want to touch my food without asking. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 12th, 2005
10:34 am	I don’t even remember everything but Rupert was directing a memorial for my not yet dead auntie Joe. All of my Scottish relatives were there, making speeches and crying and watching footage from Joe’s life. I couldn’t help but think that this wasn’t very well put together. For one thing it was in my home town of Whitecourt. No one is there and it is a long ways away from where anyone lives. It was also in the Catholic Church that my dad built. What a weird place for a so called party. We then came to the part where everyone had to come up to the alter and sign a memorial card for Joe. I went to sign my name and I noticed a Spider on its web dangling above the signing book.  Then I noticed that there was a whole web full of spiders dangling above me. As I looked up towards the ceiling the spiders grew bigger and bigger. The biggest spider was so huge that you could barely see the holy chandelier.  At this point a mighty banner full of glitter saying ‘Actors Matter’ was rolled down in front of the spider web and the spiders began crawling all over it.  Rupert and a bunch of his actor friends stepped in front of the banner with their arms folded. This was never meant to be a memorial part for my Auntie Joe who isn’t even dead yet. We all fell into this trap to witness an actor’s protest. How conniving and underhanded. Current Mood: indescribable (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
10:01 am	H Team I am on stage and auditioning for Mrs H to be a part of her Burlesque cabaret. I am auditioning for the part of the main scarlet with assistance of twelve burlesque dancers. I begin singing in my super sexy raspiest voice and move my hips and legs and shoulders with the allure of Shirley Temple. Weaving in and out of the Burlesquers I really feel the audition is going well. Mrs H is whispering to her cronies to her left and right and nodding her head. She stops the audition before my main finally and thanks me for coming out. The burlesque dancers stop their movements and make their way off stage for a well deserved break. I approach the H team and ask them how I did. They walk right past me except for mrs H who grabs my wrist and hisses into my ear. ‘You don’t even have any knickers on!’ The next day I get a letter sent to my parents saying that regrettably because of my lack of morals I am fired from my job. Oh and I didn’t get the part. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 8th, 2005
10:01 pm	I am naked surrounded by other naked women around a pool. We are marching around the pool doing knee bends in unison. Arran is on a very high chair holding a rifle and if one of us does a knee bend which is not like all the other ones, he shoots them and they fall into a big bloody mess into the pool. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 1st, 2005
4:31 pm	I was approached by a mother with her eighteen year old son. Apparently he was beginning to get serious with his little girlfriend and she wanted him to learn how to become a good lover. I didn’t know how she knew to come to me as I never met her before in my life, but I told her she had come to the right place. I guess word got around that I was giving this boy lessons of love and many mothers began to knock at my door with similar requests for their young sons. I decided to open a school for boys who want to  know about the pleasures of the female body (S.F.B.W.W.T.K.A.T.P.O.T.F.B. school). Anyhoo, I hired some assessors from the local strip joint and we began instructing these young men. The lessons were as follows: Setting the scene Getting started Foreplay (that means before you play) hitting all the right spots Doing two things at once, which two things and when Hitting it to music Multiple F.O Happy endings Avoiding the roll over   The boys were given inflatable plastic dolls to practice on. My assessors in white lab coats would walk around giving advice and making adjustments when necessary. For the boys’ final assessment they would do me or one of the assessors. I am thinking of doing this full time. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 31st, 2005
4:32 pm	Time Machine There is this old dingy bar in the center of town that has a back room. Invitations to this room are very coveted and there is a huge waiting list to get in. Last night, I found out why. I walked through the back door and found a massive machine with many flashing lights and buttons on it. People stand around this machine with their friends and their expressions become very intense. ‘What is with them?’ I asked one of my mates and he said that the people standing around the big machine thing are deciding which age to be again. You get to decide what ever age you want to be again and the machine makes it happen. You go there with a bunch of friends who decide which age they want to be (you must go back in time, you cannot go forwards) and then you are all transported to a common place changed into the age of your choice. Fun, I think. Let’s try it I say.  I have a hard time deciding what age to become again. I want to be able to speak and think, and I want to know what is going on. I also want to be young enough to still be cute and wear cute things. I want to avoid being that age where your body is changing and you are no longer cute and your teeth fall out and your features are all growing at different rates. I think the age of 5 meets all my requirements. Corran wants to be 12, Arran wants to be 8, Shalon wants to be 3, Joe wants to be 1, Corrine wants to be 7 (think she is planning on being in charge.) So there we have it. In to the machine we go and we are transported to a nursery room as our chosen ages. Joe cries and shits himself, Corran is jumping on things with death defying agility. Corrine is organizing a game for us to all play, Shalon is hanging out with me as I look for Arran. He isn’t anywhere. I get some paper and start writing everything I know. I originally thought that this experiment was only to experience for a couple of hours, but there is a voice in side my head that informs us that this is for good and we are to relive our lives from this moment onwards. Shit. I grab some paper and crayons and start writing some essential things down so that I don’t forget. 1.       Keep Dancing 2.       When you meet someone named Jeff, keep on walking 3.       Find Arran Brownlee.   As soon as that is on paper and in the front pocket of my dress, I feel my thoughts becoming more color coded, less coherent. I am forgetting my life and reverting back to a young person. Something tells me to keep that piece of paper safe.     Current Mood: nostalgic Current Music: Cher: If I could turn back time, do do do do do (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 28th, 2005
12:05 am	Gilly was very mean and put my team in fourth place instead of second place for the relay race at school. We won second, but she was too busy to listen to us when we went up to her to tell her our score. She was organizing the school sports day, but I think that she was on a little bit of a power trip. As a result, we had an overall score of 19 when we should have had an overall score of 25. This would not have changed our placement in the school, I repeat…would NOT have changed our place. But at least we would have had a shred of dignity after coming in fourth or fifth for every other event. I was thinking later that if I had a party at my beach house and all my friends were invited (including Gilly) and we were all playing on the beach, and some poor kid looked up and saw that there was a very large tidal tsunami wave heading towards us, then we would all rush into the tsunami proof hut and lock Gilly out and watch her get battered against the window pain by the death inducing waterfall which crushed her bones while we were all safe inside. Too soon after the real event...Feeling bad.   Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na wipe out.... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 27th, 2005
11:48 pm	I am walking by a football stadium during a game. (Canadian football…not soccer) and the crowd is jeering and holding up signs that say LOSER. You know the little white cards that a number of the spectators hold up so you can see the word LOSER. This, they thought was so funny, but I really found it sad and hurtful to the other team members. I thought it would be better to teach them that with a very slight alteration, they could be calling out LOVERS instead of LOSERS, except I didn’t have the white card or any markers. So a column of people between the O and the E cardholders had to stand with their hands in a V shape above their heads. Although I was very happy with my accomplishment I wondered if people on the other side of the stadium would be able to decipher our new and improved message for them and their team.   Current Mood: chipper Current Music: all you need is love....da da da da da... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
7:39 am	Early this morning I received a note tucked under my belly which read, Dear Kelly, My mom tells me that you are a prize fighter and I am inviting you to a challenge on June 4th at the Oval arena. If you fail to show for this fight I will hunt you down and destroy you. It is July 12th. Gulp (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 10th, 2005
11:09 am	Leech Academy I am at this dance camp to rehearse for a large performance of some kind. I appear to be doing some sort of Charleston footwork when I get into an argument with the choreographer. She feels that I have some attitude and all I want is to be fed. For the last three days all the dancers have had to eat is a piece of bread and some water. I am moved from the front line to the back line so that no one can see me dance. Fine! I say and I storm into the locker room to hit the showers. Now that I am alone, I realize that I have been wearing a pair of jeans, a sweater and a wind breaker for dance rehearsal. I am very warm. No wonder why the teacher didn’t like me and all the dancer looked at me funny. Thank God! I thought it was my foot work. With my outfit still on I head into the steam room. God it is hot in there. I rummage through my rucksack for some morsel of food. All the dancers are joining me now complaining of being hungry.  We are in luck boys and girls. I have found toffees in my bag! They are filled with chocolate and we are going to get stuffed on them! Ummmmm! They say. Gimmmee here! So we all sit in the steam room and eat toffees. All of a sudden, the toffees seem to be moving in my mouth. I feel pincers dig into my tongue and the toffee surface turns into a slimy skin. Then it starts to grow. The look on the dancer’s faces tells me that the same thing may be happening to them. Over the loud speaker we hear a friendly voice say, welcome to the vampire farm. In your mouth are bloodsucking leeches which will gorge on your blood until their bellies get so bog and full that your necks will snap back or your faces will explode. Not that it matters to you after that, but we vampires are going to eat those leeches to get your blood! Smart…very smart. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 3rd, 2005
10:49 am	Ever since I was a little girl we have had this man living with us. He helps my dad with the garden and my mom with the shopping. I think his story is that he went insane because his sister was raped and killed and they never found the murderer. I have never seen any sign of him being crazy. Just every now and then he will stare at you like he is in a trance. But as soon as you say his name he snaps out of it. Anyhoo, one day my family and I go for a family haircut down to the local barber. This guy walks to the barbershop with us, but he is bald you see, so he is in no need for a cut. This is a family joke that we always say and laugh about when we go to  the barber shop. So the man heads home. After my haircut I realize that I have forgotten to take the laundry out of the dryer, so I say goodbye to the family barber and I head home. When I reach the house, all the lights are off and the man is sitting absolutely still in the kitchen. There is a light above his head and it is swinging as though there was recently some violent movement. But there is no movement now. Only silence and stillness. I try to get his attention. Perhaps he is meditating, I say to myself, but I have no memory of him meditating before. I shrug my shoulders and go into the laundry room to get the clothes out of the dryer . When I come back into the kitchen with my arms full of hot socks the man is out of his chair and running towards me with amazing speed, silent speed. His eyes are raging and he has a knife in his hand. He attacks and slices my stomach open. What the fuck! I shout, but he has picked me up over his head and is squeezing all the blood out of my stomach. Ouch. Why? I say,. It was us, he tells me. It was my family who raped and killed his sister all those years ago. And he has been waiting for decades to take his revenge. Waiting until his perfect chance came along to do the same to me.   (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 25th, 2005
8:54 am	I am at my mom’s house and all my family are coming over to see me. I want to look real special so I put on a rainbow flower color sparkling chiffon blouse, a deep purple sweater vest, a pair of red satin Capri pants (tight, too tight) and some knee high socks. I finish the ensemble with a cameo broach which I place in the middle of my collar.   Oh yeah, they are gonna be impressed. Current Mood: dorky Current Music: I dont want anybody else, when I think about uI Touch Myself (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 19th, 2005
10:11 am	It is my wedding day and I am in court for a misdemeanor charge for robbery. The judge lets me off with 200 hours of community service. Great I say, just enough time to go home and get changed. It is a Moulin Rouge themed wedding, but I am in tight white jeans and a white cowboy collar shirt. I complain to my mother about this so she sticks a veil on my head. That is better. I see a gaudy orange fluffy taffeta dress hanging on the door and I am a little jealous. Who is that for? I say. Your sister. She is your maid of honor. Fine. Let’s get this thing over with. Everyone leaves to go to the church and leave me behind because apparently there is a car for me. I wait an hour until I have half an hour to spare before the wedding is meant to start.   I take a cab to the center of the town and realize I don’t know where I am going. I ask someone where the Moulin Rouge Church is. They take me there in their pick up truck. I don’t even know who is coming to this wedding because I don’t even remember sending out invitations. I wonder how Arran is getting along. Maybe Arran arranged this wedding as a surprise. Maybe that’s why I don’t remember any planning. As I am heading into the church, I get attacked by a dirty pig and my white jeans and cowboy shirt are covered with pig mud. All my aunties are now looking like they are disgusted in my wedding planning abilities. They are the ones that wanted me to get married so badly. I cant go through with it and Arran is no where to be seen. (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 16th, 2005
9:39 pm	I have been having some trouble with bumble bees lately. They are growing to obesity, about the size of coconuts, and they are always drunk. I have tried everything from spraying them with water guns to trying to reason with them. They are such troublemakers, and you cant spread trouble on toast! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
7:31 pm	Where are you now Cory Skolseg?   There was this boy I went to school with who told me one night as we were watching the sun go down on a beach that he didn’t care whether I lived or died. I thought then how much that made me want to fuck his brains out. Well, last light I did. We did it hard and fast and all night long. He told me he was glad I lived after all. It had to be done.         (Comment on this)
Monday, June 6th, 2005
7:47 am	Globetrobots? I create an army o robots and they are all programmed to remove their heads and play like the Harlem Globetrotters. (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 4th, 2005
10:47 am	Come to My Jesus Party I am sitting alone in a room with my uncle Arthur. He is sitting in a chair dressed in a white track suit decked out with loads of bling. He is talking about how he loves women and women love him. He wants to screw every woman that walks across his path. How can he be married to one woman when there are so many beautiful ladies walking the good green earth? Just then, My auntie Helen opens a door in a far away corner and shouts at my uncle that she is the best ever make out session he will ever have. They begin to argue and I feel very uncomfortable. Besides, I don’t have ay time for this. I am making dinner to celebrate the Trail and execution of Jesus. I am preparing lamb with mustard seed and fish. Many people are coming.   A friend I have not spoken to for a while is there and she feels really frail when I hug her. But her eyeliner looks really good. I am going to try it out later. I am so happy that she has come that I start crying. She leaves the Jesus party for another party and I have hurt feelings because I haven’t turned the water into wine yet, But I feel better now that Shalon has come. She looks great and she doesn’t want to go to that other party. My Jesus party is just fine with her. (Comment on this)